HeartScraps

A Little Bit of Us, My Writing, and Life as it is

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A New Week

August 12, 2013

It's also going to be a busy week.  I have a job interview tomorrow or what the recruiter called a "meet and greet" so I have no clue what to expect. 

Thursday is Meet the Teacher at Jake's school.  I'm looking forward to meeting Ms. B.  Jake is a little sad that his friends are all in other classes, but we try to keep play dates going on the weekends so they can still see each other.  Do you know he came to me and said one of the kids in his class this year was suspended last year for having a knife at school????  We're talking a 3rd grader at the time!  What the heck?  They will also do class changes this year to get them ready for 5th grade! 

He does love his new counselor, which is a huge blessing, and I can tell a bit of a difference in his anxiety level after only two visits.  One thing though, he is very worried about me going back to work.  He got really upset this morning when he heard me asking my dad to come sit with him while I go on my interview in the morning.  This will be another topic to talk with his counselor about for sure. 

Another big issue with getting ready for school is how tall he has gotten and how he's outgrown everything!  We're going to need new sneakers because all the child has is flip flops that fit him!  His legs have hurt him all summer so I assume growing pains and that none of his jeans will fit.  We'll have to try on everything.  He now has preferences with items, like his favorite brand/style of boxer briefs are the white Fruit of the Loom.  He's so much like my baby still, but yet he isn't.  It's strange.   He doesn't care for a button up shirt, so I have to really insist on it if he's getting photos made or has a special day at school. I do hope he outgrows this.

Thursday is also my mom's birthday!  Saturday was my dad's, Sunday, my aunt's, Friday will be my cousin Hope's birthday.  Throw in friends' b-days on the 13th and the 20th it's a busy birthday month! 

I'm asking for prayers for my cousins and their mom and dad.  My cousins Hope, Judy, and Vince have had to send their dad to a nursing home.  They are, of course, not happy with this, and it's not the best place as far as the level of care he's getting.  My great aunt, their mom, isn't well enough to stay alone so they have a lot of decisions to make regarding their parents. 

Hopefully going to see my grandmother with my cousin, Melinda tomorrow.  We're taking the boys with us so they can play and we can check on our Nannie.  She'll be more interested in seeing the boys than us, but oh well. 

I'm hoping for an easy week despite how busy it's going to be.  Have a good week, everyone!

What I Learned This Weekend

August 11, 2013

Now if I can keep my mouth shut!

Thank You Militant Baker! and My Eating Disorder

August 8, 2013

If you haven't, please read this blog post by The Militant Baker.  As a "fat girl" I needed to read this post!  While I was "kind of" beginning to accept myself as I am, at least until I cracked that barrier between me and weight loss, I wasn't quite as accepting as I probably should be. 

I do not like my weight at all, but (and I'm not spouting excuses here) when strong genetics and an eating disorder come into play, it is much more difficult to change your mindset.  I look exactly like my mother's mother.  She was short and round.  While my mother is tall and slim and my dad only had weight issues as his mobility decreased, I got grandma's genes!  Dadgum it!  My mother's half siblings I would consider morbidly obese, up over 350 pounds both sister and brother. 

I certainly do not want to end up in their situation, but I think accepting the cards you're dealt is a step toward breaking the barrier and right thinking.  After seeking help from a counselor, the first one I visited believed that you can be addicted to food.  I think that is a hard pill to swallow.  Yes, I think you can be a sugar addict or coffee addict or crave certain types of food, but to be addicted to something you have to have to survive does not make sense.  Most addictions are to drugs and alcohol, neither of which you necessarily need to survive.  I'm talking mostly about street drugs here.  Of course, prescription medication addiction is rampant as well.

The next and best counselor ever, Heidi Moss, verified this for me.  You can create food habits and again crave certain foods, but food addiction in general, no.  Food habits, emotional eating, stress eating, all of these things are tough to stop doing.  My issue became binge eating disorder, which the NEDA recognizes now as an actual eating disorder along with anorexia and bulimia.  We all know that a person suffering with anorexia will not eat at all.  A bulimic will binge and purge.  Someone with binge eating disorder, like me, will eat until they are miserable physically and then with that comes the guilt for binging.  Binge eaters often do so in secret, at certain times of the day or night, and of course, hide it from family and friends. 

My initial pattern was to binge after everyone was in bed.  I planned out my binge food like I would any other meal.  Once you start this pattern, it becomes extremely hard to break.  And the reasons you do it are also related to extreme stress, emotional issues, and it became a type of self-punishment for me as well.  I punished myself for not being good enough, for not being able to control my eating (That makes sense, right?), and for anything else I could think of.  I didn't deserve it at all, but I felt as if I did.

Eventually, after seeing Heidi and involving myself in a group session, the binging was practically nonexistent.  It was not easy and while I could stay up once I'd put Jake to bed and not binge, avoidance of being up alone was the biggest help.  I was working at the time, so it was good for me to lay down and read for a while and still get to sleep early.  Avoiding my triggers was a huge help and eventually it felt less and less like avoidance and more like I had gained control. 

It felt good for another reason as well, and that was that I'd changed my profile on a couple of dating sites I was on, writing about me as I am without apologizing for it.  It worked, and I had the opportunity to meet a handful of very nice men.  One in particular, a year later, I still see regularly.  I'm not calling him a boyfriend because for lots of reasons, I am not rushing anything about this and I don't want to call it a relationship either.  May sound silly, but that's another story.  I'm enjoying "dating" without commitment of any kind, with absolutely no strings. 

Also, after almost a year , I am also binging again.  The stress of losing my job and feeling like a loser after being unemployed for 10 months is a lot to handle, and I'm not handling it well.  I have good days and bad both regarding keeping my chin up and binging, but for the most part, the binging is out of control.  My son is dealing with anxieties now, partially from all the changes we've been through.  It's tough to see him go through these things; I feel like I'm missing something as a mom.  I'm back to punishing myself for not being able to handle life and the shit that happens.  I don't like being weak, yet, I am when it comes to this eating disorder.  It takes over even though you don't want it to, and if that sounds ridiculous, well it does to me, too!

What The Militant Baker has done with her post is help me to at least know that being heavy is okay, nothing to be ashamed of, and that you are who you are.  And most of all, she's said in her own way, to live for the now and not "when" you lose weight because "when" may not come and you've done nothing, had no fun, and wasted the small amount of time you have in this life.  Perhaps reading this post daily will help me reach the beginning of control. 

In meeting the men I did last year, it was very hard to believe that they had an interest in me at all (See that self hate there?), but that they were okay with my body shape and size was the hardest of all to believe.  They were though!  There are men out there who are okay, even like, even find sexy a larger woman!  Who knew?  MB says that when someone tells you you're pretty or pays any type of compliment, accept it and say thank you! 

She says, "We are all much much more than our bodies, but our bodies are a beautiful part of us too. Beauty comes from the inside AND the outside.  I am of the firm belief that every person is beautiful, and so this leaves the inside to be the part that is the most telling when it comes to true "beauty"."  I love this paragraph. 

MB talks about so much more so please read her article if you have the least bit of doubt that as a heavy woman you aren't beautiful just as you are.  You are beautiful inside, outside, in spite of your issues, in spite of those who think fat is ugly and unattractive.

You are beautiful!

 

 

Sister - Quote Prompt

August 7, 2013

Speaking of cars, my sister and I were out one morning after dropping my mom off at work.  My sister, younger mind you, had her license and I did not.  I'm not even sure now what we were doing or where we were going, but we pulled into a drive to turn around.  For some reason, my sister just didn't look behind us and we hit a car!  If I remember, we broke the front headlight on the passenger side, but that was it.  There was no damage to our 1970-something Nova.  We told the guy we'd have our mom call him and just take care of it instead of calling the cops.  Maybe my mom hadn't added my sister to her insurance yet?  Not sure on that, but it was probably the case. 

We told our mom and of course minimized the damage.  She was upset of course, but when the guy called, she handled herself pretty good.  She did tell him as an adult, he should have insisted on calling the cops, which is true.  I have no memory over how the whole thing was solved, but I know we didn't get to use the car for a while.

My sister and I lived in the boonies we only had each other to play with.  We actually got along really well and could spend most of a day together without having a fight! 

You are Music

August 7, 2013

I've had this in my head all day. 

 

You make me smile, make me happy, make me laugh, bring back good memories, get me through tough times, brighten my day.

You are music.

You make me cry, remind me of someone, make me think, make me sad, give me chills, leave me longing.

You are music.

You make us dance, bring us together, divide us, marry us, bury us, make us all sing together.

You are music.

Night is purer than day. - Quote Prompt

August 6, 2013

I have always been a person who enjoyed the evening, the night more than the daytime.  This quote is so spot-on!  The peace and quiet of night allows for clear thinking.  I can solve a problem in that calmness.  When I write at night, the words come more easily, and I can create more freely.  And you know what else?  The best movies come on after midnight!

 

                                     

Restless Soul-Quote Prompt

August 5, 2013

When I saw this quote, it was one of those that was pure me.  It's not that I'm never happy with anything about my life.  It's not that at all.  I now know it's that my soul is restless. 

Ever since I can remember, even as a teen, I have had this feeling that things weren't quite how they were supposed to be.  It was combined with a feeling that something was going to happen just any time.  It never did, or nothing did that stood out and took the feeling away. 

Ask my friends, and they'll tell you they write my address in pencil in their address books; well, when we didn't have smartphones they did this.  I'd move like clockwork every two years until I managed to make it 4 or 5 in some places.  It was as if moving was a cleansing.  My last move was not.  It was against my will, and that feeling of wanting to run is strong. 

Yes, my soul is restless.  There's something more out there.  I know it now.  Do I try to calm my soul or go with it? 

 

10 Months Later

August 5, 2013

Two weeks seems to be my limit for pretending everything is hunky-dory.  I can't go much longer than that without finally breaking down, crying, panicking, and feeling like a complete loser. 

Last week was filled with rejection letters.  Jake and I haven't been out of the house since Thursday except to go grocery shopping with my mom, and that's my fault because I have been busy doing the job search thing and writing as much as I can so I can get paid. 

My mom came by today and bless her, I love her more than anything,  and don't know what I'd have done without her all this time, but she can really say the wrong thing at the worst time.  If I ever start to cry in front of her, first she says "What's wrong?"   I asked her what she thought was wrong. 

"That time of the month?" 

Yep, that's what she asked me.  I've learned after 35 years how to handle riding the cotton pony every month.  I don't cry over it much these days.   ""That time of the month?" 

Really?????  She's been the one who had helped me through this shit for most of the ten months, and she doesn't have an idea of why I might be upset other than I'm having my period?  Why would she even have to ask me what's wrong?   She's never been the most sensitive person, most things are swept under the rug or she pretends it's not happening.  Would a little bit of empathy be that hard to pull off?

I'm over everything right now.  I'm thinking of applying for jobs out of the area.  I could look in NC or the lower part of SC, even GA.  I'd probably have better luck than I am between Spartanburg and Greenville.  Yes, there's that saying that your "here" becomes your "there" eventually, but surely somewhere there's a quote about picking up and moving on being a good thing?  

I found these two words as synonyms for escape: getaway, salvation.   The definition is to break free.  No words ever sounded better. 

I have some thinking to do, some new things to consider.  Everything I'm doing now isn't working, so why not? 

 

The Waves of the Sea-Quote Prompt

August 3, 2013

I am not your typical beach bunny, but I love the ocean, the sand, the sound of the waves.  When I'm at the beach, I am most at peace with things.  My troubles fall by the wayside. 

I was once  in Charleston with a friend of mine who lives on James Island.  He drove us out to Folly Beach one night to show us what we figured were some sort of phosphorescent plankton.  We could make a splash in the surf and see all these glowing sparks.  Of course, we never found out for sure, but it was our best guess.

We were standing at an area where the river met the ocean, and I walked up the beach a bit to stand and look out at the waves coming in.  As I stood there, I looked further out at the horizon, and this feeling came over me.  I can't describe it, but I felt as if I connected with something, the Universe, a high power, God.  I'm not sure, but I will never forget it.  I felt small, but still part of this great thing.  I felt calm and at peace. 

I can only find this feeling again when I'm at the ocean.  It's a wonderful thing to connect with something on such a level. 

Friday!

August 2, 2013

Happy Friday!

Check out two new articles I've written on All Women Stalk here and here.  I do love writing for this online magazine!

The boy really enjoyed his first session with the new counselor.  He said she had so much for him to play with, and they talked as he played.  It made it easier for him to discuss his anxieties while doing something fun, I guess.  He did not want to go at first, so I'm glad that it worked out.

I am determined to finish up several crafts I started who knows how long ago.  I hate not completing a project.  Yes, I know that there's some unwritten rule that says something like, "If you haven't finished it in a year you probably never will."  Can you say 1987?  At least that's the date on the magazine where I found the idea.  This is a rug project from Cross Stitch and Country Crafts.  Man, did I love this magazine!  Thought the rug would be something different to do.  Here's the progress I have so far after 26 years:

And the magazine photo:

I guess it is a little out of style, but I NEED to finish it!  Can you relate?  I have everything I need to do so; yes, maybe someone will like it if I gift it. 

My mom had her second cataract surgery and now sees 20/20!  So happy for her and jealous, too.  She doesn't have to wear her glasses anymore!  How nice that is going to be for her!

I hate to say it, but if school doesn't start soon I'm going to go nuts!  Jake and I have spent way too much time together this summer.  Hate to admit it, but he's a lot like me.  I was always the grammar police even at his age, and he corrects me!  Then we argue about it because I'm always right, you know.  Admittedly, I know how my mom and dad felt after I corrected their "speak" daily.  HA!

School starts August 19...17 more days...if I can only hold out.

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